Hi Josh,
I read your story and wanted to let you know how much it made me think. Sometimes we hate because we are taught to hate by our parents and religious leaders. You have opened my eyes to the human side of this. It breaks my heart to know how ill you became over this. It is hard enough being a JW because already we are told we must be seperate from the world, but to have desires in you that you could not deny must have been devastating for you. To be harshly judged by other imperfect humans makes me so angry. I haven't always prayed. When I first left and was df'd I wanted nothing to do with God or the bible. I felt just like you when you said you were just waiting for Jehovah to destroy you at Armageddon. I was partying my butt off saying "at least I'll die happy." I am trying to figure out God now. It is not easy. If Jesus did exist and he did really die to cover all of our sins, then I think the only thing he expects from us is to LOVE. It is an honor to know you.
Love,
JR